Va'Anochi Holeches Imo

Getting Engaged and Forgetting Singlehood

2006-05-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny. When I was single, I would watch my friends getting engaged one by one and struggle to feel happy for them. Singlehood was so painful, and engaged girls (almost) always seemed so oblivious to the pain. As most of my close friends got married long before I started this blog, I had plenty of time to nurse my own dating wounds, to wallow in self-pity before the alter of singlehood. I frowned at my friends for forgetting what it feels like, for being horribly tactless.

And now I find myself lacking that same tact.

I'm so excited, I'm so overwhelmed, and I need my single friends more than ever. It was they who held my hand during the many crying episodes that ripped apart my bedroom, during the frustrations with dating, during the despair that comes with *knowing* that you're going to be an old maid. And with friendships that strong, I want to feel like I can tell them anything. Like they'll be there for me now, too. But somehow, I'm not sure how smart that is.

I mean, they want to know what's going on in my life...sort of. But they also don't. I can feel them cringing. I can feel them sometimes go silent, and I feel the pain coursing through them. I've tried to stop, but then I feel like I'm not treating them as close friends anymore.

And it's not like I'm trying to do all the talking here. Many of my single friends have made interesting lives for themselves, as have I. We have plenty of things to talk about other than my wedding plans - their jobs, their roommates, etc. And we do talk about them, and I really want to know what's going on in their lives. But I still feel like they're skeptical, like they don't think I'm quite for real, like I'm being the frustratingly selfish girl that I despised for so long. They're my friends, and they mean so much to me. Why can't they understand that that's not going to change even now?

(As I write this, I hear my own voice answering - You never understood that your engaged/married friends felt the same way. You deserve this. - And the worst part is, the voice is right.)

Perfect Quote for Being Engaged

2006-05-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

"Engagement is the time when your entire world is crumbling around you, but another beautiful world is being built..."

~ Told to me when I realized that I would never catch up with everything that needed to get done. I thank her for that.

Laws About In-Laws

2006-04-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

I just needed to get out some of my frustration, and my blog seemed like a good place to do it.

In-laws are HARD. I mean, you're never really sure where you stand with them, they're never really sure either, and you're both trying to please each other for the sake of the spouse/kid that you share.

But I must admit, as much as I find it hard to work with my in-laws, it's far harder being stuck in between my parents and my chosson. I mean, what do you do if your chosson quite honestly does not want to spend time with your family? And you can't blame him - I mean, after all, he's a yeshiva guy, your parents have this prejudice against yeshiva guys, and it's not that comfortable to be around people like that. I understand where he's coming from. I see him feeling uncomfortable, like they're picking out his every fault. I see how he wants them to like him, but how he just can't seem to figure out where he stands or how to change that...

I also understand where my parents are coming from. They want him to accept them and to see that they have made me who I am. Honestly, they have to some extent, and they deserve that recognition. They want him to like them, but they feel like he won't. There's lots of awkwardness and frustration all around. He doesn't come to visit much because of it - I mean, he stops by, we go out, and then he drops me off again. I don't need him to come in and hang out in my house all the time...but I do need him to know that he could if he wanted to.

Really, I just need them to respect each other. That's all.

Any ideas on how to try to help this get off the ground? I know it's just the beginning, I know there's plenty of them for them to get comfortable with each other...but I get really scared about them becoming the stereotypical in-laws and about me getting stuck in the middle and torn between them...

Request for Advice: I'm almost engaged - What should I know?

2006-04-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hello all! I'm sure you've been waiting with baited breath to know what's going on in my life (I know I have!). So here's the story. Yes, as Masmida guessed, the silence boded well for me and The Boy. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. But enough about that (I could wax eloquent, but I won't - now).

Since I've been using the blogosphere for advice, I'd like to ask you something new: What should I know about being engaged? Yes, many of my friends have gotten engaged, but since I've never gone through it myself, I'd love any advice that you could dish out. Again, this is a yeshiva guy, I'm from a small out-of-town place, he's from a bigger out-of-town place, both of our parents are not yeshivish, but many of our friends are.

I'd love any advice you could give me about how to make this the happiest time in his life, how to deal with parents and in-laws, how to best approach both single and married friends, how to deal with technical details surrounding the engagement and wedding, and absolutely anything else you can come up with.

Thanks to you all! And above all, thank you to Hakadosh Boruch Hu for having me finally find him. To all you single bloggers out there...Have bitachon! Hashem is watching over you, He loves you, and He will send your bashert to you when the time comes. Really.

Due to Popular Request - Update on The Boy

2006-03-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, we're still going out, we're happy, Boruch Hashem, we're both so jaded with dating that it feels like a dreamworld...suddenly we actually look forward to the next date wholeheartedly...suddenly the world has opened up before us...

I have an old friend who I used to take for granted. I haven't really had much to do with her in recent years, but we've seen each other around. I saw her when I was on a date with The Boy recently, and I was mortified. It wasn't logical to be mortified - I just was. She came up to me a few days later and mentioned that she'd seen me...and suddenly it was like old times. I've never had someone get so excited for me before. She's my age and single, and I know how often I had to force myself to pretend to be happy for a friend when inside the little jealous monster was fighting to come out. But this was no make-believe. She really and truly was excited for me. It was incredible. She listened to me, shared in my laughter and confusion...and just reminded me what a wonderful person she is.

Maybe he has a friend.

Frum Shidduch Dates - Help!

2006-03-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Okay. I'm confused. I like him. I really really like him. I'm glad I do, because I was afraid that I wouldn't. Never having had the requisite "crushes" in middle/high school, I never knew whether I could like a boy like that.

With all that said, I'm still not sure how to proceed. I grew up in a non-yeshivish environment. I know about shidduchim because I've seen them happening around me. But I've never had a real, serious talk with anybody about how shidduchim work. This boy isn't sure either, I think.

Do I tell him I love him? Can I comment on his appearance at all (eyes, etc.)? Can I mention how I feel while waiting for each date? Or how I feel when I'm with him?

You all know me. You know that I'm not asking these questions because I want dirty or prust material on my blog. But I just need help from people who have lived in this world for longer than I have. He's a yeshiva boy, used to the ways of yeshiva boys. I want to express my caring for him in the appropriate way. I don't really understand how many barriers fall down once you start going out with somebody. For example, I would never enjoy if a boy was staring at me. But when I'm dating the boy, of course I like for him to stare at me!

But that doesn't mean that all guidelines disappear, does it? I need advice! Please, please let me know what I can and cannot say to him...

Phone call from Boy

2006-03-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

He called. I like his voice. That's a very, very strange thing for me to say. I have never said anything like that before. Wow.

We're going out on Motzai Shabbos. I'm not sure where, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I think that this blog is going to start to get boring, that I'll start waxing poetic about how wonderful this boy is. I hope I will.

But I'm nervous that climbing such a high mountain means there has to be a fall. But some people climb and don't fall...right? Right?

Please say right.

I've been "busy" - Yes, "busy"

2006-02-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've been busy.

Yes, "busy". That means there's been somebody out there that has taken me to a couple of hotel lobbies and a few other random haunts. Lo and behold, I actually like him. Don't get too excited. I've gotten too excited too many times. But I can't help thinking about him now...

He's a really, really good guy. Strong hashkafos, a real ba'al midos, the works. And I'm utterly terrified.

So glad this blog is anonymous.

Somebody has to get married last. Right?

2006-02-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today...Maybe in a previous life I got married the first of all my friends. Maybe I was cruel, and heartless, and refused to understand the pain my friends went through. Maybe Hashem sent me back here as a kaparah, so it's purely His kindness that keeps me single right now...

But that's too negative. Maybe before I began this life, my neshama saw that I was destined to get married early and forget my friends. Maybe my neshama begged Hashem, "Look, somebody has to get married last. Let it be me. I can handle it. And I'll be okay, even if my friends don't understand."

I mean, it's true. Somebody has to get married last. Why shouldn't it be me?

A Working Boy - Does he have his priorities straight?

2006-02-05T20:04:00.000-08:00

Why are they so hard to find? While responding to a post on a slightly different subject, I realized that this is something that has been bothering me for quite some time. I'm not asking for a boy that's learning all day. (That's not to say that I wouldn't go out with one, just that it's not a "requirement" at this point.) I have great respect for those boys who are working and make gedarim and learn Torah whenever they can when they're not working. Really I do. There's just one problem.

Where are they???

When I was in seminary (quite a long time ago), I remember holding late-night discussions with my friends about how working boys are fine. About how as long as they have their priorities straight, they can be great Ovdei Hashem. We would discuss the falacy of the full-time learning boys, many of whom are probably faking it anyway. As the year went on, we got more and more open to the idea of marrying learning boys, but it was again with the caveat that "working boys are great too, as long as they have their priorities straight."

I have now all but given up that caveat. I feel like, while it was okay in theory, it must remain just that - a theory. I've been out with many boys, but this whole kovea ittim things has never held true in practice (with the boys I've gone out with).

It's funny, because you're supposed to "frum out" in Israel, not many years later back in the States. But seeing the sad reality out there has changed my mind. Boys who work are often (not always, but often) hard-pressed to find the time to learn each day. They're proud of themselves if they have a chavrusa a couple of times a week and spend some time learning on Shabbos. Now, I'm not downplaying how amazing that is. I don't have the chiyuv to learn every day, and I can't say how well I would do if I did. It's hard to take the time out of your schedule to learn that regularly. But just a few minutes every day and every night is plenty! I'm not asking for much more than that...just the basics of the halacha to show that you're committed...

Is that so much to ask?

Davening for a Friend to Find her Shidduch

2006-01-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, I remembered a Chazal that we learned in middle school:

If a person wants something, he should daven for his friend, and he will be answered first [and then his friend will be answered as well].

That's why I started davening for my friend to find a shidduch. She's a good friend of mine, and I depend on her - a lot. So when I began, it felt like a great act of selflessness: Hashem, please give her a shidduch, even though I really need her right now. Her happiness is more important.

In all honesty, it was incredibly selfish. I only did it because of that chazal. I viewed it as a magic spell, almost. If I davened hard enough, I would get married. Oh, and then maybe she would.

You know what's coming.

So she's going out seriously now. I still say that same tefillah every morning. But this is where the selflessness comes in. Suddenly, I truly am davening that she should make the right decision. Suddenly, I'm not in the picture anymore. Suddenly, I'm terrified out of my mind.

She's a great friend. One of the only single ones I have left. And when she's gone...?

He Won't Be Dating For Two Months

2006-01-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

Fine. I waited the two months. And lo and behold, when I called the shadchan back, apparently he decided to extend his shidduchim hiatus for quite a while longer.

I can sympathize.

Now what's interesting about this whole thing is that the shadchan was not the one who actually "redt" the shidduch. I had just called him for information about this boy, and he said he thought it sounded good. Then he asked if I had anybody to be the go-between. I said no (because a relative of mine had suggested it, and I did not feel comfortable having the relative as the go-between). So this man offered to do it instead.

But that's not the end of it. When he finally told me that this boy was unavailable for now, he paused and asked me another question.

"Can you just tell me one more time - what exactly are you looking for? I just want to keep you in mind in case I come across someone who seems like he would be good for you."

My heart sang. That could have been such a depressing phone call. In a way, it still was. But the fact that he - a Rav in a yeshiva - would be looking out for me...

It made me feel as secure as...well, as I should be anyway. Because there's a much bigger, more impressive "Rav" Who is looking out for me too.

But He already knows exactly what to look for.

My Blog Saved Me From Self-Destruction...No, Tehillim Did

2006-01-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

I just said tehillim with more kavanah than I've had in a long, long time.

I made a choice that had to do with shidduchim. I didn't realize at the time that it would have such overwhelming repercussions (I'm still not sure that it will), but when I came home tonight and tried to fix it, I see that it may have. My first thought - I need to tell someone. I don't normally talk about shidduchim, but this was really tearing me apart. If it weren't for this blog, I would have probably stayed up til about 3 AM on the phone with a friend (one of the few that isn't married, but one who I have rarely discussed shidduchim with), and I would have gone to sleep miserable. But I had this blog. And I had that post from last week. And I had tehillim to say.

So instead of blabbing to a friend, I spoke with Hashem.

It was beautiful. The words of tehillim never came this alive to me before, that I can remember. Not in high school, not in seminary, and definitely not recently. But this hurt so badly, caused such a rift between emotion and intellect, that I felt as if each word were singing a phoenix song to mirror my pain (If you're familiar with the HP reference, good for you). Listen to the words that I said - the words that I decided ON THIS BLOG to memorize so that I would have what to say under the chuppah at my chasuna:

And you should be like a tree planted by a stream of water
That gives its fruit in its time, but its leaves do not wither...(and sometimes the time is not ripe yet)
Many people say of my soul, she will have no salvation from Hashem, (you will never get married)
But you, Hashem, are the protector of my soul, who raises my head (and shows me that there is hope, because you can do anything)...
I call out to Hashem, and he answers me...(and I did...)
Salvation comes from Hashem...(so your gaffe was not as major as you'd feared, because your shidduch will not come from your own strength)
Hashem said to me, "You are my child...
Ask of me anything, and I will give it.

Hashem, I ask you. I ask you, I beg you, I plead before you. Hashem, You saw my pain tonight. You counted the times that I repeated those same three kapitlach of tehillim again and again. You orchestrate everything in the world, and You can make this frustrating occurence into the most wonderful of coincidences. Hashem, I love You. And even if You don't give me what I most desire, I will love You nonetheless. Because there is nothing else...and I am still You child. That is worth everything to me.

If You're Single, Read This

2006-01-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

Wow. A single pouring her heart out. And reminding us what it will be like in the future.

Perhaps this wasn't the intention of her article. But it gave me hope. I hope it does the same for you.

[P.S. Update on my "new plan" can be found in the comments section on the previous post.]

Preparing for Marriage - Going All the Way

2006-01-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

I have a new plan.

I've tried out all the shadchanim. I've tried talking to people, reminding people, begging people. I've tried so many different segulos, gotten brachos for myself, asked people to daven for me. Most importantly of all, I've tried my hardest to daven for myself, to ask Hashem for that which I desire most. I'll continue doing those things, but I've decided that it's time for something more.

While attending a recent wedding, I watched a friend of mine endlessly murmuring heartfelt tehillim under the chuppah. She was davening for family, friends, friends of family - everybody. This as well as her own future with her husband, as a wife and iy'H mother in klal yisroel. This made me think. One day, I will iy'H be under that chuppah. One day, I will want to say tehillim. Somehow, the handful of kepitlach I remember from my high school days won't quite fit the bill then.

It was that encounter that got me thinking. Maybe important things are left for me to do before I get married. I've been trying to work on myself to make myself into a good person, and eventually wife and mother - I've heard plenty of speeches on the topic and have tried to take them to heart as much as possible. But somehow, I feel like choosing things directly connected to the wedding itself will strengthen my kavanos in doing them. While "trying to be a better person" is all nice and dandy in theory, "trying to be a better kallah" is far more concrete, and therefore far more motivational.

In light of this, I have compiled a list of things that I want to work on. They're not your typical pre-Yomim Noraim list, nor do I want them to be. Some of them may seem superficial or silly. But they're things that I can do with the right kavanos in mind, things that will help me to feel that I'm working towards a goal that is really b'yedai Shamaim.

Here it is:

Memorize at least one perek of tehillim every week - every two weeks if I hit a very long one. (I will start from the beginning, which I am already familiar with. Hopefully that will stop it from being too overwhelming. I will also allow myself to do most of this on Shabbos.)
Buy a book on Taharas HaMishpacha and read at least one chapter a week. (While this may seem odd, I know that I have a hard time remembering things. It's far easier for me if I read some background BEFORE attending a shiur on the topic. I need to review halachos over and over again, so why should this be any different? This way I'll be prepared for my kallah classes.)
Focus on becoming closer with one friend or family member each month. This way I will know exactly what type of bracha to give them both at the bedekin and while dancing with them. It will help me to make them feel special. (I hope to blog about who I will focus on each month. This month's choice is a friend of mine who is dating seriously. She lives far-ish from me, and I need to talk to her more often.)
Learn how to dance. (Not sure yet how to do this. I have two left feet, and always get nervous with dancing with the kallah. Any ideas?)
Try to build up my relationship with my mother. (SO important for new kallahs.)
Accept one new person who gets me annoyed each month. (Doubly important for new kallah. Remember the in-laws?)

I think that this list is long enough for now. It may seem like I'm joking; I'm not. I mean this is absolute seriousness. Updates to hopefully follow.

Blog Plagiarism!! The Nerve!

2006-01-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

This makes me quite upset. Quite. Do not steal somebody else's work without quoting them. Ever. And don't change it. Ever.

But if you do, make sure to change your settings so that you must approve of any comment that they put on your blog. Brilliant, isn't it?

Ooooh it makes my blood start to boil.

Update: FrumAndSingle has plagiarized once again!!! (See the article that I quote two posts above this one)

A Shabbos of Yearning...

2005-12-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting Shabbos. Or perhaps it wasn't interesting; it's a type of Shabbos that has become perfectly normal to me by now. And that's what got me thinking.

I spent most of the Shabbos shuttling back and forth between married friends and family. They're so nice, and I'm lucky beyond belief to have a couple of married friends who never severed that bond of single-friendship. I know other singles who aren't as lucky.

I played with some kids, talked to a friend about her in-law issues, and pushed a stroller or two. And the whole time, I was happy. I felt wanted, needed, like I have a purpose in life. And then I started walking home, alone, and I finally had time to think.

Shabbos was wonderful, and for me, a Shabbos like this is really mayain olam habah. It takes me out of the day-to-day helplessness that I feel, the rat race of work (which I try not to get sucked into), and the endless random events that I involve myself in. I'm constantly busy, and for that I'm grateful.

But on a Shabbos like this, through all of the fun times, I find myself wondering: Where exactly am I going in life? Am I just keeping myself busy in order to shove away those feelings of helplessness that have become so common? If I died tomorrow, would I be proud of what I have accomplished? And the answer is a resounding NO. I enjoy my job, and I certainly appreciate that fact. I love my family, and the friends who still keep in touch with me, and I thank Hashem every day for that. But do I feel like I'm contributing as much to the world as much as I think I can contribute? Not at all.

I know that raising kids is not the only way that you can contribute to the world. But I want to build a house that is kulo Torah. Right now, I live at home, and my house is not quite "kulo Torah." I want to try my hand at building up a kid's Ahavas HaTorah. I want to encourage my husband to strengthen his Yiddishkeit, and I want him to strengthen mine. I want us to stand together, marching forward to meet whatever the world may throw at us. I want to open my house to people who need Shabbos meals, or sleeping spaces, or just a supportive household. I want to put into practice all of these lessons in chinuch that I've been holding in my head since middle school.

I want, I want, I want. But I have so much! How could I be brazen enough to want more?

I want eternity. I want a family of my own.

A Little Girl of My Own

2005-12-23T00:12:00.000-08:00

A friend's little daughter was over at my house today. She's marched through the door, her shiny brown curls dancing around her adorable little face. We played for a bit, and I chatted with my friend. Within moments, the little girl asked me if she could sit on my lap. I happily obliged.

Feeling the warmth of her little body on mine, feeling the top of her curls brush against the bottom of my chin, should have thrilled me to no end. But it didn't. It gave me the chills. I hugged her around the waist, then tickled her sides. She squirmed and giggled. I sighed.

Finally, it was time for them to leave. "But you're such a wonderful little girl," I said. "Won't you come and live with me?" On the surface, I was joking. But somewhere deep down, I was begging.

"No," she said, turning away from me. "I going home with my Mommy." Her mother smiled.

I almost cried.

I want one.

Two Sisters Shidduch Dating

2005-12-21T20:22:00.000-08:00

My younger sister has started going out.

Maybe that doesn't shock any of you. But none of you, my dear readers, have had the experience of diapering that little girl's bottom and lugging her around the house on your hip. She's close to a decade my junior, and I clearly remember the days when my preadolescent idiosyncracies clashed with her terrible-two temper tantrums.

And now she's trying to find a boy to marry.

There's never been much communication between the two of us. We've both been sort of loners in my family. With three boys and close to a decade between us, we could never really sympathize with each other's problems. I was the oldest, more mature, more responsible one. She was the baby of the family, the spoiled brat with a sweet streak.

And now she's looking for her bashert.

I've been going out so long that I often forget boys named and get double-redt them. I've grown - not disillusioned with the shidduch system - just kind of fed up with it. I've learned to live with the sporadic dates, spread across many months, the "Oh he's such a wonderful boy, you should definitely go out with him!" raves, the "Oh, did I forget to tell you he has an anger issue?" that never comes out until after the (B"H) rejection, the endless dressing up, going out, coming home, stressing out, calling up, giving in, saying no cycle. But my sister - what does she have to look forward too? After hearing my sob stories through the doors, why would ever want to even SEE a boy, much less GO OUT with one?

And how do I feel about this? I knew that it would come sometime soon. Newly home from seminary, similar to me, I knew that the time had almost come. But it came as a shock to me. What if she gets married first? I know that it's mean, I know that it's petty, but it's how I feel. What happens if I'm the one dancing at her wedding, if the mitzvah tantz that my parents are looking forward to (and yes, they are), would happen at my simcha and not hers?

Or will I be the bachelor aunt who showers her nieces and nephews with gifts because she has no children of her own to spoil?

The questions wait, hanging in the air like a threatening mist. Can I ever daven for her happiness without stitching a caveat on the underside of my tefilos: but not before me, please?

I set up my friend with a boy I dated.

2005-12-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

I set up my friend a couple of weeks ago.

What did I do? I keep on seeing her around the community with this boy. I had long conversations with him, sitting by a fountain in the middle of a mall. We talked about our hopes and dreams, about our fondest memories and our closest friends. And then I called the shadchan and said no.

I had good reasons to say no. I won't face the blogosphere and shout them all out for all to hear, but they were good and solid. I had people to talk to, and they agreed with me. But those reasons did not mark him a bad person. They marked him a good person with whom I could never build a family. So I set him up with a good friend of mine.

It's strange now, and probably will be for quite a while. Our community is small, so it's no surprise that I've been seeing them around. Looks like it didn't take him long to get over the pain and anguish of being rejected by me. Neither of them turned as I walked past. Granted, I was cloaked in my long black Grim Reaper coat, and I slipped by them so quickly I'd be shocked if they did turn.

I'm happy for them. I really am. She's a great girl, he's a great guy, and they should have, well, a great life together. They both seem convinced (I know this through various sources) that they have found "the one." But while my mind is exploding with joy and pride to have made the shidduch, my heart keeps on burning and shivering and burning again. I know he was wrong for me. I know that logically it made no sense. I know that they're perfect for each other. But why couldn't he have been perfect for me?

No, I don't begrudge her him; I begrudge her the happiness that he has brought her. And as she is my good friend, that hurts the most.

And my heart screams out like a violent toddler: When will it be my turn?

My Husband's Name? I'm Not Sure.

2005-12-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

I called someone to order a wedding present today. "Oh, I think I know your last name," she said. "Is your husband's name ____?"

"No, actually, that's my last name...not my husband's...I mean...it's..." I couldn't seem to figure out how to say what I wanted to say.

"Oh! So it's your maiden name. What's your husband's name, then?"

"I'm not sure," I said, suddenly unruffled. "I haven't found him yet."

"Oh!" she gasped. "You're single! Oh, well, anyway, what did you want to buy again?"

And so ends another awkward conversation.

I haven't found him yet. But I will. Soon, G-d willing.

Melting in Selfishness

2005-08-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

This blog is the story of a frum girl who needs to get a few emotions off her chest. Many bloggers are going off the derech, or coming on the derech, or blasting away at the frum world for making them who they are. They think that the blog world is a safe place where they can shoot off at the mouth as much as they want. But that's not why I'm here.

I'm a girl who has been hurled into the midst of shidduchim without so much as a life raft to guide me. I know little about this world, growing up in a family and a community where shidduch dating isn't quite the "done thing." My friends - some have gone through the shidduch system and others have not - are getting married right and left. Boruch Hashem. Boruch Hashem. I really, truly am happy for them. But beneath all that happiness, this tiny inchworm of fear slides up my back, whispering at me.

When will your turn come? When will you be the one getting all the mazal tovs?

I can't tell other people about it - it's embarrassing, selfish. And I can't answer the question myself. All I can say is that somewhere, somehow, my bashert is searching for me. And I am searching for him. And one day we will bump into each other and know - truly know - that it is all over. The searching, the disappointment, the disillusionment....it will all be a horrible nightmare left beneath a pillowcase. And then it will all have been worth it.

Until that day comes, I blog.

Les Miserables Shidduch Girl

2005-08-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain I'm forced to hide
Empty chairs at empty tables
Every friend's become a bride.

Here they talked about shidduchim
When we all felt just the same
I sang, too, about 'tomorrow'
But my tomorrow never came.

From the table in the corner
I could see their worlds reborn
As they shone before their chossons
And I can hear them now.

The very fears that they had voiced
Just slid into the distance
And their lonliness and fear...is gone...

Oh my friends, my friends, forgive me
That I keep these gripes inside.
There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain that I must hide.

Phantom faces at the window
Phantom shadows on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where I'll meet my friends no more.

Oh my friends, I don't begrudge you
The happiness you can't confide
But this sight of empty tables
Makes these thoughts curdle inside....