Preparing for Marriage - Going All the Way
I have a new plan.
I've tried out all the shadchanim. I've tried talking to people, reminding people, begging people. I've tried so many different segulos, gotten brachos for myself, asked people to daven for me. Most importantly of all, I've tried my hardest to daven for myself, to ask Hashem for that which I desire most. I'll continue doing those things, but I've decided that it's time for something more.
While attending a recent wedding, I watched a friend of mine endlessly murmuring heartfelt tehillim under the chuppah. She was davening for family, friends, friends of family - everybody. This as well as her own future with her husband, as a wife and iy'H mother in klal yisroel. This made me think. One day, I will iy'H be under that chuppah. One day, I will want to say tehillim. Somehow, the handful of kepitlach I remember from my high school days won't quite fit the bill then.
It was that encounter that got me thinking. Maybe important things are left for me to do before I get married. I've been trying to work on myself to make myself into a good person, and eventually wife and mother - I've heard plenty of speeches on the topic and have tried to take them to heart as much as possible. But somehow, I feel like choosing things directly connected to the wedding itself will strengthen my kavanos in doing them. While "trying to be a better person" is all nice and dandy in theory, "trying to be a better kallah" is far more concrete, and therefore far more motivational.
In light of this, I have compiled a list of things that I want to work on. They're not your typical pre-Yomim Noraim list, nor do I want them to be. Some of them may seem superficial or silly. But they're things that I can do with the right kavanos in mind, things that will help me to feel that I'm working towards a goal that is really b'yedai Shamaim.
Here it is:
I've tried out all the shadchanim. I've tried talking to people, reminding people, begging people. I've tried so many different segulos, gotten brachos for myself, asked people to daven for me. Most importantly of all, I've tried my hardest to daven for myself, to ask Hashem for that which I desire most. I'll continue doing those things, but I've decided that it's time for something more.
While attending a recent wedding, I watched a friend of mine endlessly murmuring heartfelt tehillim under the chuppah. She was davening for family, friends, friends of family - everybody. This as well as her own future with her husband, as a wife and iy'H mother in klal yisroel. This made me think. One day, I will iy'H be under that chuppah. One day, I will want to say tehillim. Somehow, the handful of kepitlach I remember from my high school days won't quite fit the bill then.
It was that encounter that got me thinking. Maybe important things are left for me to do before I get married. I've been trying to work on myself to make myself into a good person, and eventually wife and mother - I've heard plenty of speeches on the topic and have tried to take them to heart as much as possible. But somehow, I feel like choosing things directly connected to the wedding itself will strengthen my kavanos in doing them. While "trying to be a better person" is all nice and dandy in theory, "trying to be a better kallah" is far more concrete, and therefore far more motivational.
In light of this, I have compiled a list of things that I want to work on. They're not your typical pre-Yomim Noraim list, nor do I want them to be. Some of them may seem superficial or silly. But they're things that I can do with the right kavanos in mind, things that will help me to feel that I'm working towards a goal that is really b'yedai Shamaim.
Here it is:
- Memorize at least one perek of tehillim every week - every two weeks if I hit a very long one. (I will start from the beginning, which I am already familiar with. Hopefully that will stop it from being too overwhelming. I will also allow myself to do most of this on Shabbos.)
- Buy a book on Taharas HaMishpacha and read at least one chapter a week. (While this may seem odd, I know that I have a hard time remembering things. It's far easier for me if I read some background BEFORE attending a shiur on the topic. I need to review halachos over and over again, so why should this be any different? This way I'll be prepared for my kallah classes.)
- Focus on becoming closer with one friend or family member each month. This way I will know exactly what type of bracha to give them both at the bedekin and while dancing with them. It will help me to make them feel special. (I hope to blog about who I will focus on each month. This month's choice is a friend of mine who is dating seriously. She lives far-ish from me, and I need to talk to her more often.)
- Learn how to dance. (Not sure yet how to do this. I have two left feet, and always get nervous with dancing with the kallah. Any ideas?)
- Try to build up my relationship with my mother. (SO important for new kallahs.)
- Accept one new person who gets me annoyed each month. (Doubly important for new kallah. Remember the in-laws?)
I think that this list is long enough for now. It may seem like I'm joking; I'm not. I mean this is absolute seriousness. Updates to hopefully follow.
posted by Holeches Levadi at 6:30 PM
7 Comments:
Seems like a lot to take on all at once. Perhaps just start with one at a time? I know we think that we have to take on everything at once sometimes, but doing one thing properly before moving onto the next, can be more effective in the long run. I wish you all the best with these new undertakings - and I may try some myself.
Karl ~
I know. I had a bigger list in my head, so I cut it down to five (the dancing one doesn't count, as I have no idea how to learn).
I'm thinking of combining 3 and 6, though, by choosing someone who I find somewhat annoying and trying to pretend I need positive things to say to them at my wedding, and at the same time focusing on loving them as they are (The two are pretty closely connected).
Is that better? Now I have four: tehillim, Taharas HaMishpacha, loving somebody unconditionally, and building up a relationship with with my mom.
Is that more do-able? I try to do #4 anyway, and I can't do #2 until I get a book, so for right now I'm really only focusing on 2 1/2 of them...
Best of luck and keep us posted!
Do you know anybody who is talented at dancing and might be willing to teach you a bit so you'll feel a bit more comfortable?
If your mother does, you could kill two birds with one stone! :)
And if you want to practice chassuna dancing on your own, the following link will come in very handy (if you can stop laughing!!) - I had to cut it so it would fit in the window, but just paste all 3 lines together in your browser and enjoy!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?
docid=-5848795532506581009&q=
Dschinghis+Khan
this is the right path.
Update:
1)I have memorized Perek Aleph of Tehillim and have begun Perek Bais. It felt wonderful to be able to say the same perek over and over again, to see new facets of understanding sprout from each word...There's only one problem. I don't think I'll be able to continue this without learning the mephorshim that will make the prakim so much clearer...
2) Have not bought book yet. Tomorrow? We'll see.
3 and 4) It's very hard to "try" to build up a relationship. You can't necessarily "set aside time" for it. You just build on things as they come up. I think for now I will stick to numbers 1 and 2, although I will try to remember to focus on 3 and 4 as the opportunity presents itself. Karl - you happy? You were right.
Your idea of connecting you growth to a goal is a great idea. It goes with basic psychology ideas. More importantly it is in line (almost exactly) with a R' Paysach Krohn tape about geula. I suggest you listen to it, especially the part about the Nashim Tzidkanios of coming out of Mitzrayim. You will find the right guy for you, B'shah tovah u'mutzlachas, keep up the good work.
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