Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Getting Engaged and Forgetting Singlehood

It's funny. When I was single, I would watch my friends getting engaged one by one and struggle to feel happy for them. Singlehood was so painful, and engaged girls (almost) always seemed so oblivious to the pain. As most of my close friends got married long before I started this blog, I had plenty of time to nurse my own dating wounds, to wallow in self-pity before the alter of singlehood. I frowned at my friends for forgetting what it feels like, for being horribly tactless.

And now I find myself lacking that same tact.

I'm so excited, I'm so overwhelmed, and I need my single friends more than ever. It was they who held my hand during the many crying episodes that ripped apart my bedroom, during the frustrations with dating, during the despair that comes with *knowing* that you're going to be an old maid. And with friendships that strong, I want to feel like I can tell them anything. Like they'll be there for me now, too. But somehow, I'm not sure how smart that is.

I mean, they want to know what's going on in my life...sort of. But they also don't. I can feel them cringing. I can feel them sometimes go silent, and I feel the pain coursing through them. I've tried to stop, but then I feel like I'm not treating them as close friends anymore.

And it's not like I'm trying to do all the talking here. Many of my single friends have made interesting lives for themselves, as have I. We have plenty of things to talk about other than my wedding plans - their jobs, their roommates, etc. And we do talk about them, and I really want to know what's going on in their lives. But I still feel like they're skeptical, like they don't think I'm quite for real, like I'm being the frustratingly selfish girl that I despised for so long. They're my friends, and they mean so much to me. Why can't they understand that that's not going to change even now?

(As I write this, I hear my own voice answering - You never understood that your engaged/married friends felt the same way. You deserve this. - And the worst part is, the voice is right.)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Perfect Quote for Being Engaged

"Engagement is the time when your entire world is crumbling around you, but another beautiful world is being built..."

~ Told to me when I realized that I would never catch up with everything that needed to get done. I thank her for that.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Laws About In-Laws

I just needed to get out some of my frustration, and my blog seemed like a good place to do it.

In-laws are HARD. I mean, you're never really sure where you stand with them, they're never really sure either, and you're both trying to please each other for the sake of the spouse/kid that you share.

But I must admit, as much as I find it hard to work with my in-laws, it's far harder being stuck in between my parents and my chosson. I mean, what do you do if your chosson quite honestly does not want to spend time with your family? And you can't blame him - I mean, after all, he's a yeshiva guy, your parents have this prejudice against yeshiva guys, and it's not that comfortable to be around people like that. I understand where he's coming from. I see him feeling uncomfortable, like they're picking out his every fault. I see how he wants them to like him, but how he just can't seem to figure out where he stands or how to change that...

I also understand where my parents are coming from. They want him to accept them and to see that they have made me who I am. Honestly, they have to some extent, and they deserve that recognition. They want him to like them, but they feel like he won't. There's lots of awkwardness and frustration all around. He doesn't come to visit much because of it - I mean, he stops by, we go out, and then he drops me off again. I don't need him to come in and hang out in my house all the time...but I do need him to know that he could if he wanted to.

Really, I just need them to respect each other. That's all.

Any ideas on how to try to help this get off the ground? I know it's just the beginning, I know there's plenty of them for them to get comfortable with each other...but I get really scared about them becoming the stereotypical in-laws and about me getting stuck in the middle and torn between them...

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Request for Advice: I'm almost engaged - What should I know?

Hello all! I'm sure you've been waiting with baited breath to know what's going on in my life (I know I have!). So here's the story. Yes, as Masmida guessed, the silence boded well for me and The Boy. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. But enough about that (I could wax eloquent, but I won't - now).

Since I've been using the blogosphere for advice, I'd like to ask you something new: What should I know about being engaged? Yes, many of my friends have gotten engaged, but since I've never gone through it myself, I'd love any advice that you could dish out. Again, this is a yeshiva guy, I'm from a small out-of-town place, he's from a bigger out-of-town place, both of our parents are not yeshivish, but many of our friends are.

I'd love any advice you could give me about how to make this the happiest time in his life, how to deal with parents and in-laws, how to best approach both single and married friends, how to deal with technical details surrounding the engagement and wedding, and absolutely anything else you can come up with.

Thanks to you all! And above all, thank you to Hakadosh Boruch Hu for having me finally find him. To all you single bloggers out there...Have bitachon! Hashem is watching over you, He loves you, and He will send your bashert to you when the time comes. Really.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Due to Popular Request - Update on The Boy

Yes, we're still going out, we're happy, Boruch Hashem, we're both so jaded with dating that it feels like a dreamworld...suddenly we actually look forward to the next date wholeheartedly...suddenly the world has opened up before us...

I have an old friend who I used to take for granted. I haven't really had much to do with her in recent years, but we've seen each other around. I saw her when I was on a date with The Boy recently, and I was mortified. It wasn't logical to be mortified - I just was. She came up to me a few days later and mentioned that she'd seen me...and suddenly it was like old times. I've never had someone get so excited for me before. She's my age and single, and I know how often I had to force myself to pretend to be happy for a friend when inside the little jealous monster was fighting to come out. But this was no make-believe. She really and truly was excited for me. It was incredible. She listened to me, shared in my laughter and confusion...and just reminded me what a wonderful person she is.

Maybe he has a friend.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Frum Shidduch Dates - Help!

Okay. I'm confused. I like him. I really really like him. I'm glad I do, because I was afraid that I wouldn't. Never having had the requisite "crushes" in middle/high school, I never knew whether I could like a boy like that.

With all that said, I'm still not sure how to proceed. I grew up in a non-yeshivish environment. I know about shidduchim because I've seen them happening around me. But I've never had a real, serious talk with anybody about how shidduchim work. This boy isn't sure either, I think.

Do I tell him I love him? Can I comment on his appearance at all (eyes, etc.)? Can I mention how I feel while waiting for each date? Or how I feel when I'm with him?

You all know me. You know that I'm not asking these questions because I want dirty or prust material on my blog. But I just need help from people who have lived in this world for longer than I have. He's a yeshiva boy, used to the ways of yeshiva boys. I want to express my caring for him in the appropriate way. I don't really understand how many barriers fall down once you start going out with somebody. For example, I would never enjoy if a boy was staring at me. But when I'm dating the boy, of course I like for him to stare at me!

But that doesn't mean that all guidelines disappear, does it? I need advice! Please, please let me know what I can and cannot say to him...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Phone call from Boy

He called. I like his voice. That's a very, very strange thing for me to say. I have never said anything like that before. Wow.

We're going out on Motzai Shabbos. I'm not sure where, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I think that this blog is going to start to get boring, that I'll start waxing poetic about how wonderful this boy is. I hope I will.

But I'm nervous that climbing such a high mountain means there has to be a fall. But some people climb and don't fall...right? Right?

Please say right.